My life is half over. That is the realization that I have come to in the past months. Yes, I have begun my midlife crisis; I am turning forty in six months. Perhaps you call me a pessimist because of the name of this blog (and to be quite honest, that's how I meant it!). But maybe those of you with the more perfect lives view me as an optimist. After all, I am assuming that I will make it to at least eighty right??
It scares me to think that it is all down hill from here. Okay, maybe it's not. The first 40 years have been okay. If I had to give my life an overall rating so far, I would give it a 6 out of 10. The positive sides of my life: I've never been homeless, starving, or without the love of a parent (not that I always wanted it). And there have been some fantastic times in my life speckled with some horrific relationships. As I've begun to reflect, I have come to the realization that I am not happy with where I am as a person. I live in a great place and have a wonderful husband and two great children, but I am not happy with what I've done with the last 39 years.
I don't think my disappointment comes from being an over achiever. Although, maybe I am slightly. Or from the fact that I almost always see the grass as "always greener" somewhere else. I think it's just a fact that I have made mostly wrong decisions and screwed most things up without even trying. Overall, I'm just disappointed and I don't think I can fix those problems in the years to come. But maybe I can.
This blog is going to be a reflection of mistakes and some of the successes as well. And perhaps, if I'm lucky, a renaissance (if only I had Virgil to guide my way!). My goal is to write at least once a week and maybe if there are others doing some reflecting... well, maybe we can stick together to let each other know that everything is going to be okay.
